Local Crime

The Crime Watch section of my local free newspaper, the Beacon, has provided yet more evidence of the perils of living in suburban America:

Pastries Pilfered
A doughnut thief reportedly stole two of the pastries from a vehicle parked in the 7000 block of XXX at around noon Oct. 4. The owner noticed that the vehicle was rummaged through, but the report did not specify whether the vehicle was locked. The doughnuts were valued at $1.

So to bowdlerise the famous recent "bed intruder" Internet meme, y'all need to hide your cookies, hide your candy, and hide your pancakes, cause they’re stealin’ everythin' out here.