Everlasting Christmas Trees

When you next need a Christmas tree (and by my calculations that should be in about 11 months' time), whatever you do, you must buy it at Lowe's - even if that means one or more journeys across the Atlantic.

My wife bought ours at the aforementioned chain of garden centres at the beginning of December. Since then it has stood - unpotted! - in our living room, and yet has shed no more than about 15 needles in all this time. Moreover, it still looks fresh and not in the slightest bit droopy after its six-week trial by dessication. I've had artificial trees do worse than that!

What's the secret? I haven't a clue. But at least I know where I'm going for this year's tree.

Dog Shit

Excuse me using this term, but nothing quite encapsulates the vulgarity of canine faecal matter like "dog shit".

Having slalomed through London, Berlin, and Paris in a vain effort to avoid stepping in you-know-what, I was amazed to discover that in the States - or at least this neck of the woods - dog owners taking their pets out for a walk will also take a plastic bag and then scoop up any offending solid matter that their pooch may exude en route. I've even seen runners stop so that they can collect the said excrement before someone else discovers it underneath their foot.

I wonder why this is. Are the fines for allowing your dog to shit in public (suitably) draconian, or are Americans generally as repulsed as I am by the sight of the stuff on the few pavements and paths that they are lucky to have (after all, a pavement is merely an extra lane of traffic waiting to happen)?

Miss Neighbor 2008

Forget everything disparaging I ever said about beauty queens.

Kirsten Haglund, Miss Michigan and Miss America 2008, is from Farmington Hills - and that almost makes her my neighbour!

But can someone explain something to me: what's the difference between Miss America and the Miss USA title, which was won by a completely different person? And who therefore gets to represent our great nation at the Miss World competition? If it's not "our" Kirsten, I'm going to be very disappointed!

Mountain Dew

Mountain Dew is America's fourth best-selling carbonated beverage after Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Diet Coke respectively. It's a sweet, citrus-flavoured, disconcertingly algae-coloured drink sold by Pepsi Co, originally named after a euphemism for moonshine, containing about 60% more caffeine than Coke (except in Canada, where non-cola soft drinks may not contain caffeine) and often incorrectly accused of causing infertility in men.  There's even an online petition to get Mountain Dew sold in the UK.

Just like Coke and Pepsi, there's no middle ground on Mountain Dew. People either love it or hate it. The first person I asked about Mountain Dew - and you know who you are - was extremely scathing about it, effectively equating it with inbred rednecks, if memory serves me right. The next respondent confessed to being more-or-less addicted to the stuff even though he was from way up north.

Having tried Mountain Dew for myself, I am definitely of the latter persuasion, not least because I was served my glass with a liberal dash of rum (or was it vodka?). Nevertheless, a more recent and more sober analysis has confirmed that Mountain Dew is indeed exceedingly drinkable, even without alcohol. That said, I must admit that it does make a great mixer, a fact confirmed by a cursory Google search, which turned up one site with an amazing 111 Mountain Dew-based cocktails.

But don't take my word for it. Try Mountain Dew for yourself - unless you happen to live in Britain, where you'll have to sign the aforementioned petition and hope it'll eventually be available in your local Sainsbury's.

In the meantime, I'll finish off my Bacardi 'n' MD. Cheers!

Joe the War Reporter

Remember Samuel Wurzelbacher, the man who became a household name during the American presidential election as "Joe the Plumber" despite being neither? Well he now has a new job: as a war reporter in Israel for a conservative Web site.

His qualifications (not that that's stopped him in the past)? He claims to be an expert on media bias. His first words as a war correspondent? "I don't think journalists should be allowed anywhere near war. I think the media should be abolished from reporting."

Given Sam the Sham's resounding success supporting John McCain's election campaign, Israel now undoubtedly has great cause to fear the outcome of its campaign in Gaza.

Statistics for Dummies

I knew that the recession was hitting people badly here in the States, but I didn't realise quite how badly.

This morning, I heard on the radio that pre-Christmas sales "fell by 400%". If this is true, people must not only have bought nothing whatsoever, but also returned three times as many products as they had bought in the same period last year.

Unless, that is, someone needs some help with their maths.

Milk

American milk is indestructible - it really is.

We left an opened bottle of milk in the fridge and went away for ten days. When we got back, it wasn't just cold, but perfectly normal and not curdled, sour or bad in the slightest way. 

I don't know what rays US milk is bombarded with prior to consumption - and frankly I'd prefer not to find out - but with longevity like this, who needs UHT?