Election unwords

With the presidential election finally over, Chads throughout the United States are breathing a collective sigh of relief that they were not left hanging or even pregnant this time round. And although Floridians once again took three days longer than everyone else to count their votes, they did not hold the entire country to ransom as they had back in 2000.

We may not have had a Sarah Palin or a George "Dubya" Bush to mangle their words, but this election cycle spawned its own set of neologisms and odd terms, which I would like to take this opportunity to share with you:

• Job-creators: A euphemism coined by the right-wing Republicans to describe the rich in a more positive light;
• Soon-to-haves: No longer is America a country of haves and have-nots. Republican spin-doctors also recast the poor in a bald-faced attempt to win them over to pro-business ideologies;
• Historian: The job-description preferred by would-be Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich to refute claims that the millions he had earned from the pharmaceutical industry were the fruits of lobbying;
• Clean coal: A tautological concept dreamt up by the coal industry to counter the backlash against fossil fuels and moves to search for cleaner sources of energy, the suggestion being that you could burn coal without producing all that environmentally unfriendly soot;
• Caucus (v): I think this means to canvas for a caucus, though it could mean to hold a caucus. Confused? So am I;
• Mainstream media (MSM) or elite media: A favourite expression of Sarah Palin back in 2008, this resurfaced again as a quasi-swearword to describe the non-conservative media - in other words, all media bar Fox News;
• Washington insider: Another "four-letter word" used to dismiss any politician except yourself. Used, bizarrely enough, especially by those who have held political office for decades to put down their opponents. Although this expression was used more widely in '08 and by the TEA ("Taxed Enough Already") Party movement during the 2010 mid-term elections, it featured particularly during the Republican primaries.
• Forcible/legitimate rape: Terms used by senatorial candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, who vehemently oppose abortion, even following incest or rape. Makes you wonder what the opposite is - consensual rape? Their controversial views on the topic resulted in both men being soundly defeated at the polls;
• Romnesia: A neologism coined by Barack Obama (or his speech-writers) to describe a person's ability to forget what he stated one day and espouse views often diametrically opposed to these when seeking the backing of a different group of voters. Think Mitt Romney's "flip-flopping" on abortion, gun control, coal, immigration, healthcare reform, welfare, the auto-industry bailout ...

Daft & Dafter

The long drawn-out battle to become the Republican Party's nominee in this November's presidential election (which the satirical Daily Show justifiably calls "Indecision 2012") has the would-be candidates falling over themselves to appear more conservative than their rivals. And the race has certainly provided plenty of grist for the comedy mill.

By now, most of the whackier wannabe presidential nominees have dropped out: After leading the media on a seemingly endless self-aggrandising campaign, including a reality show and an extended tour across the States in a coach emblazoned with the text of the American constitution, will-she-won't-she former Alaskan governor and failed 2008 vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin decided not to the throw her hat in the ring after all.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain, who didn't know China had had nuclear weapons for half a century and justified his lack of foreign-policy knowledge by referring to "Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" (sic!), was finally tripped up by his serial philandering. The spookily wide-eyed Michelle Bachman, the darling of the right, whose bizarre statements included demanding the closure of America's non-existent embassy in Teheran, also dropped out early. While Texas Governor Rick Perry, who proudly announced that his state had executed hundreds more prisoners than any other, couldn't remember the three government agencies he wanted to shut down, when asked about them during a debate. Perry's meltdown, broadcast live on national TV, was the kiss of death for his presidential aspirations.

Although he's trailing far, far behind the now presumptive candidate, Mitt Romney, the one crazy still in the running is perpetual also-ran Newt Gingrich, who has vowed to have a manned American colony on the moon by the end of his first term in the White House.

In their desperate attempt to woo supporters of the so-called "Tea Party", a radical though in part artificially engineered movement that has dragged American politics to the right for the last three years or so, Republicans have been making more and more controversial claims that would leave most Europeans incredulous.

You needn't even bother entering politics in the US unless you can prove you are avowedly religious. Now global warming is being disparaged as unproven. Evolution is increasingly dismissed as "just a theory". Environmental protection is decried as government interference that kills jobs in the US. Gun legislation, taxation, motorcycle helmet laws and even the right to healthcare are being routinely opposed, scaled back or abolished completely in the name of "personal liberty".

But the most bizarre trend of all, at least in my view, is the renewed effort to undo "Roe vs Wade", the 1973 Supreme Court decision legalising abortion. In an effort to undermine this landmark ruling, pro-life conservatives are going to ever greater lengths to claim that this should be considered murder. And even Rick Santorum, the candidate who withdrew from the GOP race only this week, asserted that women should give birth to the children of their rapists, saying that they should "make the best of a bad situation" and "accept God's gift".

Proponents of the "personhood" debate, which revolves about the point from which a person rather than a blob of cells is being terminated, have long advocated that life - and therefore personhood - begins at the point where an egg and a sperm merge. Not to be outdone, the Arizona legislature has now passed a bill defining pregnancy as starting .... wait for it ... two weeks before conception!

Meanwhile, a last-minute amendment to a "personhood" bill tabled in Oklahoma this week (which admittedly ended up getting the entire law thrown out) would have made it illegal to deposit sperm anywhere other than in a woman's vagina.

Forget the potential for convictions for such heinous crimes as masturbation, oral and anal sex. Had it passed, this law would have forbidden all forms of artificial insemination, thus inadvertently undermining the very thing it was supposed to support: the production of American babies.

Unwitting Imposter

On a visit to Washington, DC, I spotted a cap in a gift shop that I simply couldn't resist buying: on the front it sported the logo of Air Force One, the US president's personal airplane.

Since then, I have been jokingly telling my friends that Barack Obama gave me it for managing to land the 747 on the White House lawn. If you've ever seen the president's official residence, you'll know that this is completely impossible, since there's barely enough room for Marine One (his personal helicopter) to touch down, let alone a 70-metre jumbo jet.

I was wearing this cap when I took my car in for an oil change last week. As I sat in the waiting room steeling myself for the inevitable news that they had found innumerable faults with the vehicle that absolutely had to be repaired immediately, one of the mechanics noticed my cap.

"Air Force?" he asked. "Put it there!" And before I knew it, he had grabbed my hand and was enthusiastically pumping it up and down with a big smile on his face, proud to be congratulating a member of the heroic American armed forces.

Embarrassed by such unwarranted praise, I meekly pointed to the logo. "You mean this?" I said. "Actually, it only means I'm a tourist."

"Oh", the man replied, turning to go into the toilet, where I presume he washed his hands very thoroughly.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Within the next few days, President Obama is due to sign a bill that will finally put an end to a policy that has marked the United States out as extremely backward in comparison to most, if not all developed nations.

The policy, known colloquially as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT), is a fudge introduced in the Clinton era to get around the fact that the US does not permit homosexuals to serve openly in the military. The armed forces of Canada, the entire EU, Australia, Israel and even Taiwan and South Africa have allowed openly gay service members for many years. The US stands alone with Turkey in forbidding it, ostensibly on the grounds that the presence of gays in the armed forces "would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability".

DADT created a bizarre situation in that the armed forces recognised that there were gays in the military, but sought to prevent them from being discharged (which they were obliged to do) by introducing a kind of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil": as long as servicemen and -women were not questioned about their sexual orientation or talked about it with fellow soldiers, the fact was ignored. Any that did were discharged immediately, albeit honourably.

Forced to make a decision on the matter by a court order that temporarily lifted DADT, politicians in Washington spent much of this year wrangling over the issue. A subsequent poll found that 72% of servicemen said they wouldn't have any problems serving alongside gays, lesbians and transsexuals. Although mainly Republicans staged repeated filibusters in an attempt to talk the issue to death, the repeal of DADT - and with it the ban on gays in the US military - was finally approved by the Senate this week, and the National Defense Authorization Act has now arrived on President Obama's desk.

Welcome to the 20th century, America.

Campaign Spending

America goes to the polls next Thursday, 4 November. And although these are only the "mid-term" elections rather than a presidential one, the Center for Responsive Politics, a non-partisan research group based in Washington, has calculated that the political parties, candidates and so-called "outside groups" will spend an estimated $4bn - I repeat, four billion dollars - on campaigning.

Just thought I'd share that figure with you.

First Ladies

As you are undoubtedly aware, Michelle Obama is the wife of US President Barack Obama. That makes her the nation's First Lady. Strangely enough, although her husband is the 44th president, she is the 51st First Lady.

"That's obvious," I can hear you say. "Seven presidents had two wives." In fact, only two did: John Tyler and Woodrow Wilson.

Thanks to a wonderful piece of tourist purchasing by Mrs Newbie, we are the proud owners of two place mats featuring the 44 American presidents on one side and their First Ladies on the other. Closer inspection of these by the Newblets in particular has brought us some very interesting enlightenment.

Three First Ladies were the relevant president's daughter. Two more were the head of state's sister, while another two were the commander-in-chief's niece. There were also three daughter-in-law First Ladies (or is that First Lady daughters-in-law?).

One intriguing First Lady was Anna Harrison, the wife of William Henry Harrison, the shortest-serving president, who died of a cold on his 32nd day in office after delivering the longest inaugural address in US history - almost two hours - on a cold and wet day wearing neither an overcoat nor a hat. For some reason left tantalisingly unexplained by our place mats, Mrs Harrison is described as the president's "absent wife". Was she on holiday throughout his short-lived presidency? Had she left him? Were they perhaps separated? Or was she merely away having one of their ten children (though this still doesn't explain why she should be termed "absent" - unless in the sense of "absent-minded about birth control").

But the most interesting - albeit confusing - case involves Andrew Jackson's two First Ladies, neither of whom was his wife. The first, from 1829-1836, was Emily Donelson, Jackson's niece. In 1834, she was joined by Sarah Jackson, the president's daughter-in-law, who remained the nation's alpha female until 1837.

Three things puzzle me about this case: 

1. What happened to the unfortunate Ms Donelson, or rather, what did she do to merit being downgraded? 
2. Why was the First Ladyship shared for the first and indeed only time from 1834 to 1836?
3. And what was Ms Jackson's actual relationship to the president? To be defined as his daughter-in-law she could either be his son's wife or his wife's daughter from a previous marriage. In either case there would have been a Mrs William Henry Jackson - who would then have been the First Lady herself.

Sadly, neither our place mats nor Wikipedia, the online dictionary of perceived knowledge, has any light to shed on these matters. So I guess Mrs Newbie will have to buy a pack of First Lady playing cards next time she's in that tourist shop.

Baby Steps

Michigan has just taken what amounts to a giant leap over here, although it would qualify as no more than a baby step by European standards. 

After years of wrangling, in which opponents claimed it constituted an infringement of privacy and could be used for racial harassment, a bill has finally now been passed (although it has not yet been signed into law by the governor) that allows policemen in Michigan to pull motorists over for texting while driving. Up to now, texting has only been a secondary offence warranting police intervention only if the motorist has already committed a more serious crime.

If my sources are correct, Michigan's bold move makes it only the twentieth-first state - out of fifty - to ban texting at the wheel outright. Various others prohibit only novice drivers from doing so. However, Washington is far from imposing nationwide bans. In January, the Transportation Department (i.e. ministry) merely prohibited drivers of trucks and buses over 10,000 pounds from sending text messages while operating commercial vehicles. A presidential order issued by Barack Obama at about the same time simply directs federal employees not to engage in text messaging while driving government-owned vehicles.

A recent survey found that by 90 percent of the population would back a blanket ban. Research by the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration found that drivers who send or receive SMS messages take their eye off the road for 4.6 seconds out of every 6 seconds they are texting. A study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute concluded that texting while driving increased the risk of having a crash by 23 times. Other research has compared the effects to that of driving under the influence of alcohol. Yet day after day I see people doing so. 

The fact that such a ban was not enforced long ago shows that lobbyists and powerful interest groups still have the upper hand when it comes to real political decision-making.

Justice

I'm sorry, but I really must inflict a rant on you.

As you may know, President Obama has decided that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of the September 11 attacks, should be tried in a civilian court in New York rather than facing a military tribunal. What is frankly frightening in my view is the backlash that this has provoked in both the political arena and the media.

The argument being put by many otherwise rationally-mind people is that if any alleged terrorists are tried in a civilian court and subsequently acquitted, they would be released onto the streets of cities like New York, where they would be free to act on the anti-American tendencies they were always suspected of harbouring.

What no-one is mentioning is what exactly the subtext of this argument is: that what they are demanding is a system which guarantees that anyone who is tried is indeed convicted. In other words, that all those sent for trial are found guilty.

This is a gross violation of the principle of justice and the notion that, no matter how much damning evidence there may be against someone, they are presumed innocent until proven guilty. What is being suggested here is that simply because these people have been detained in Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere, they must perforce be guilty.

The 9/11 attacks were cowardly and deplorable. But the desire for revenge or retribution should not tip the scales of justice one way or another. I have little doubt that prosecutors have enough evidence against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to lock him up for all eternity. What I want is a fair trial which shows that America truly believes in justice and the rule of law.

And that means the theoretical possibility that a defendant is found not guilty.

Bush's Signature

I just discovered George W. Bush's signature (on the left) in high resolution on Wikipedia. Not only that, but unless it's one of his famous Bushisms, the text below the image clearly states:

"I, the copyright holder of this work [which I presume must be Dubya himself], hereby release it into the public domain. This applies worldwide. In case this is not legally possible, I grant anyone the right to use this work for any purpose, without any conditions".

Think I'll issue myself a Green Card and pardon all the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Any other suggestions?

Part-Time Pres

Now that George W. Bush has left the White House for good, it is safe to reveal that he didn't actually spend a lot of time there.

As reported by various sources, including AFP, NPR, CNN and NBC, President Bush had one day of holiday for every three days at his desk. Indeed, he was on vacation a jaw-dropping 77 times during his eight-year presidency, frittering away almost two years playing golf or clearing brush on his ranch.

By way of comparison, the previous vacation record was held by Ronald Reagan, who had 436 days off when he should have been leading the free world. The final figure for "Bush 43" was 490.

Given that most workers in the United States only get about two weeks' leave a year, is it any surprise that few people are sad to see Dubya go?

Joe the War Reporter

Remember Samuel Wurzelbacher, the man who became a household name during the American presidential election as "Joe the Plumber" despite being neither? Well he now has a new job: as a war reporter in Israel for a conservative Web site.

His qualifications (not that that's stopped him in the past)? He claims to be an expert on media bias. His first words as a war correspondent? "I don't think journalists should be allowed anywhere near war. I think the media should be abolished from reporting."

Given Sam the Sham's resounding success supporting John McCain's election campaign, Israel now undoubtedly has great cause to fear the outcome of its campaign in Gaza.

Election "Unwords"

With the US presidential election well and truly over, and Barack Obama on his way to the White House, I feel the time has come to call for the banning of words and terms that were overused, misused and occasionally abused to the point of infuriation during campaigning.

In the style of the German "Unwort des Jahres", I would therefore like to present my nominations for "Unwords of the Election", some of which I sincerely hope are consigned to the dustbin of history for all eternity:

• I approve this message
• Pork barrel
• Lipstick
• Endorse
• Maverick
• Change
• Joe the Plumber (he was neither called "Joe" nor was he a certified plumber)
• Swing states
• Pundant (which I heard Obama, McCain, Palin, Hillary Clinton and others use incorrectly for "pundit")
• Sarah Palin

Wassup 2008

Remember Budweiser's hilarious "Wassup" commercial from the year 2000?

Well, some bright spark has come up with a contemporary sequel using the same actors as in the original ad:

Party Colours

I was recently surprised to learn that the American Democratic Party, the marginally more left-wing of the two major political parties in the United States, is associated with the colour blue, while the more conservative Republicans have red as "their" colour despite the fact that it is typically associated with socialism, communism and other left-of-centre causes.

I was even more amazed to discover this weekend that neither political party had a standard colour until as recently as eight years ago (indeed the colour-coding is still unofficial). It wasn't until the 2000 election that NBC journalist Tim Russert decided at random to refer to "red states" and "blue states" when talking about traditionally Republican and Democratic strongholds respectively - and the classification has stuck.

Ironically, therefore, there must be right-wing extremists across America who are hoping the country will go red tomorrow, while diehard Democrats live in fear of the red peril.

Celebrity Come Dancing

What if, instead of all the campaigning, commercials and speeches, Obama and McCain went head-to-head on the dancefloor?

Get 'Em While They're Young

Barnes & Noble has slipped even further down in my estimation. In its children's section, right next to the reading area and within easy reach of inquisitive kids' hands, our nearest Barnes & Noble prominently displays the following blatantly political made-for-children's books:

(Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope)

(My Dad, John McCain)
(Hillary Rodham Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight)

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against political literature. People should be free to buy whatever they want to read about. What I don't like is when political propaganda is fed undiluted to impressionable minds that cannot differentiate between reality and convenient fiction (i.e. "spin").

I was amused, however, to discover that the book "The Rise of Barack Obama" is now 50% off:

Election, Schmelection

As the BBC site reports today, the presidential election campaign entered a new phase this week.

The Democrats have launched a campaign, entitled "The Great Schlep", to encourage young Jews from around the United States to travel to Florida and other "swing states" (i.e. those in which neither presidential candidate is more-or-less secured victory) to nudge their grandparents into backing Obama in November's election.

This being America, a whole lot of hard-donated election money is being thrown at the project. And apart from the usual t-shirts, badges, and what-not, there's even a special site with its own rallying video (very funny it is too):

US Senate Bean Soup

When I saw this on the supermarket shelf, I simply had to buy it. After all, I have no idea what the US Senate tastes like (though it's probably bitterer than the Swiss).

Disappointingly, the back label has disabused me of the belief that US Senate Bean Soup is actually made of old men or indeed an old building. Apparently, the recipe was developed around the turn of the century for serving in the US Senate Dining Room. 

But it does explain why there's so much hot air in the Senate.

President Me

I guess all the campaign talk, reporting and election speeches have started to affect me.

Last night I dreamt that the President of the United States (my psyche wasn't clear about whether or not it was the current incumbent) had died suddenly. But that's not all. By some bizarre chain of circumstances reminiscent of the prologue to King Ralph, I was the next in line to the presidency, just weeks after arriving in the US. As I woke up, we were making preparations to move into the White House.

Given my new-found status, I'd like a bit more respect from now on. And remember to address your e-mails to "Mr President".

Endorsement

According to Wikipedia, "McCain has gained the endorsements of many high profile figures, including President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, former President George H. W. Bush, and former First Lady Nancy Reagan."

Somehow I can't see any of the above endorsing (let alone hugging) Barack Obama.