Safety first

As some of you know, my wife and I are avid runners. In this capacity we often take part in races of various lengths. Travelling down to our most recent race, Mrs. Newbie pointed something out that I had completely overlooked: the difference between the precautions taken by race organisers in the United States and in our last port of call prior to expatriation: France.

In the "Hexagon", people who sign up for a race are required to supply a doctor's certificate confirming that they are at least physically fit enough to undertake a race of this kind. Those who run more regularly and are members of a club are automatically members of the French Athletics Federation, the FFA, and therefore just have to provide a photocopy of their "licence" to prove their aptitude for a race.

By contrast, in the US, where individual liberty is valued almost above anything else and where people are suspicious of any form of authority, race organisers do no require you to prove you won't have a heart attack and die while taking part in a sporting event. The general idea is that if you want to run a race, you shouldn't be prevented from doing so by some meddling medic. However, because America is also Tort Central, race organisers want to avoid being sued by litigious souls stupid enough to overexert themselves, but who have ready access to a lawyer keen to extract seven-figure compensation.

As a consequence, would-be participants in any race are made to sign extensive waivers designed to absolve organisers of any responsibility associated with racing. The following is an actual waiver that I signed and typical of the hand-washing that goes on:

"I realize that this course presents a number of potential dangers to me and I hereby  assume the risk arising from all of them. I realize that I will be running on a variety of surfaces, some of them far less than perfect. The roads are open  to motor vehicle traffic that has the right of way. I realize that the danger of injury and even death exists as well and I hereby assume all the risks that may be present on the course. I realize this race is a strenuous athletic event. I certify that I have no physical or medical condition which would interfere with my participation in the race and that I have trained adequately for this race. I realize that I have the sole and ultimate responsibility for my own safety during the race and that if I see a situation/condition which presents risk of injury to me, I will avoid the situation/condition or immediately withdraw from the race. I her e b y  waive for myself, my heirs, executors and all other successors of interest any  and all rights and claims which  I may now have or hereafter accrue against the organizers and sponsors of this event, against all other entities and people who may issue permits for or help with this event, and against all property owners of land which the course may pass. I make this waiver for all the rights and  claims that have been specific  ally referred above, and for all others which might not be specifically named. I agree and intend that the above recitations are contractually binding and if I or my successors assert a claim in contravention of this agreement, I or my successors shall be liable for the expenses (including all legal fees) incurred  by the other party in defending."

Last weekend, a 47-year-old runner had a heart attack and died a mile from the end of the New York City Half Marathon. In 2009, no fewer than three people died while running the Detroit Marathon. Although it is extremely rare for so many participants in a race to die, it only highlights the fact that if medically untrained individuals decide about their ability to run what is after all still an extremely long distance, their judgement is more likely to be biased and wrong than somebody with 6-10 years of medical training.

Helmet Law Repeal

Hooray for freedom!

On Friday, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder at last repealed the state's motorbike helmet law, which had been flagrantly restricting the liberty of citizens and doing untold (albeit unsubstantiated) damage to the local tourist industry for 46 years.

Despite opposition from insurance companies, healthcare providers and other freedom-hating, big-government organisations, bikers in the "mitten" will once again be able to let their hair flutter in the wind, just as God intended.

Now I can't wait to win back the right to smash my face through my car windscreen and catapult my children to their certain death in an accident once that insane, draconian seatbelt law is repealed.

Fight For Your Rights

As I discovered this morning thanks to that tremendous invention, the Internet, the source of a wondrous array of facts, half-truths and the merely fanciful (not necessarily in that order of magnitude), America is one of only 14 countries worldwide in which it is illegal to buy and consume alcohol under the age of 21. Whatever the pros and cons of this, the law is the law, and deserves to be upheld.

Without revealing too much about myself, it is fair to say that I am in my mid-40s, and although I like to think I don't look my age, I have had independent confirmation from several third parties – Mrs Newbie included – that I could not pass for 20.

I have therefore been irked (yes, irked, no less) for some considerable time that I am required to prove my age whenever I shop at my local Kroger supermarket. A sticker by the cash register, which some similarly senescent person has clearly tried to peel off in their annoyance, declares "If you are under 40, we must ask for ID". Cashiers even have to enter your date of birth in their till in order to authorise any attempted purchases of alcohol.

Time after time, I resolved to resist this blatant overcautiousness on Kroger's part, and time after time I meekly pulled out my driver's licence, only to kick myself afterwards (metaphorically, I hasten to add) for my repeated temerity.

So annoyed was I by this flagrant injustice that I hatched a cunning plan: on a day when my children had wound me up to near breaking point and Mrs Newbie had failed to see my side of the story, I would charge into Kroger, grab some beer and defend my Congress-given right. I would make a fuss, demand to see the manager and win elderly people across America back the prerogative to go into a store armed only with some crumpled dollar bills and declare, "I wish to procure sundry libations" (or whatever the local equivalent thereof may be).

Although all is well in the house of Newbie and the Newblets have for the most part been their darling selves, I resolved this week that the time had finally come. So together with the kids (brought along for defensive purposes only), I drove over to Kroger, picked up a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade, filled up a shopping cart with suitable alibi groceries to cast aside angrily should my demands remain unmet, and headed for the meanest-looking cashier in the store.

Trembling with anticipation and pumped with adrenaline, I thought, "This is my date with Destiny. Today is the day that will change America. Henceforth, baby boomers throughout this great nation will no longer live in fear, but be able to purchase alcoholic beverages unchallenged once more".

With my heart thumping in my throat, I unpacked my cart, brazenly placing the Mike's at the very front, and looked the cashier straight in the eye.

"Do you have a Kroger card?" he asked. And that was it.

A new sticker by the till read: "If you are under 27, please be prepared to show your ID".

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Postscript

Less than a week after writing this - on the first day in living memory when, through a chain of coincidences, I did not have my driver's licence on me - I was "carded " at Kroger in spite of the new sticker, which I pointed to (to no avail). Duly summoned, the store manager said, "I'm sure that'll be OK." And it was.

It's the Law!

Believe it or not, some 50 million Americans live in communities in which clotheslines are banned. And in at least one state - South Carolina - any terrorist organisation seeking to overthrow the government must register its activities.

America is by no means the only country to have crazy laws, but it certainly has its fair share. Although there are even nuttier district and municipal regulations, here is a selection of some of the state-level gems I have found*:

• Alabama: It is illegal to sell peanuts after sundown on Wednesday. You may not carry ice cream cones in your back pocket at any time.
• Alaska: Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
• Arizona: Camel-hunting is prohibited. Donkeys may not sleep in bathtubs.
• Arkansas: Men may beat their wives, but only once a month.
• California: Women may not drive in a housecoat.
• Connecticut: Pickles must bounce to be defined thus.
• Florida: Women who fall asleep under hairdryers will be fined. It is illegal to sing in public in a swimsuit. Farting in public is prohibited after 6pm. Sleeping naked is an offence.
• Hawaii: You may not put coins in your ears.
• Idaho: Fishing while riding a camel is prohibited.
• Illinois: English is not to be spoken.
• Indiana: The mathematical symbol Pi = 3.
• Iowa: Kisses may not last more than five minutes.
• Kansas: Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
• Kentucky: You may not dye ducklings blue and sell them unless you sell more than six.
• Louisiana: It is illegal to gargle in public.
• Massachusetts: Mourners may not eat more than three sandwiches at a wake. It is illegal to go to bed without having a full bath. Clam chowder may not contain tomatoes.
• Michigan: Women may not cut their own hair without their husband's permission.
• Minnesota: It is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head. It is also illegal to sleep naked.
• Mississippi: It is illegal to teach the meaning of polygamy.
• Missouri: Speeding is not illegal.
• Montana: Sheep may not be transported in the cab of a truck without a chaperone. Wives may not open their husband's mail.
• New Hampshire: It is illegal to nod, tap feet or otherwise mark time with music in a restaurant or bar. On Sundays you may not pee while looking up.
• New Jersey: Soup slurping is prohibited. Men may not knit during the fishing season.
• New York: Women may go topless in public unless for business purposes. However, public wearing of body-hugging clothing by women is forbidden. Slippers may not be worn after 10pm.
• N. Carolina: It is illegal to sing off key. Elephants may not be used to plough fields.
• N. Dakota: It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. Bars/restaurants may not serve beer and pretzels together.
• Ohio: It is illegal to get fish drunk. Police may not arrest people on Sundays or 4th of July.
• Oklahoma: It is illegal to pretend to have sex with a buffalo in a bar. Women need a state licence to do their own hair. It is illegal to make faces at dogs.
• Oregon: Dishes must drip-dry. No ice-cream eating on Sundays. Canned corn may not be used as fishing bait. Cars must be camouflaged to avoid startling passing horses. Fish may not be caught by any part of the body except the mouth.
• Rhode Island: It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
• S. Carolina: Inadvertently killing someone while attempting to commit suicide is punishable by death.
• S. Dakota: It is illegal to fall asleep in a cheese factory.
• Tennessee: It is illegal to sell hollow logs.
• Texas: You may not sell your own eye. It is illegal to have more than three sips of beer while standing up.
• Utah: It is illegal not to drink milk. Persistently stepping on the cracks in state highway pavements is prohibited.
• Vermont: Women must have their husband's consent to wear false teeth.
• Virginia: It is illegal to tickle women. Bribery is illegal - except by candidates.
• Washington: X-rays may not be used to fit shoes. Lollipops are banned.
• W. Virginia: It is illegal for men to have sex with animals weighing more than 40lb. It is also illegal to snooze on a train or whistle underwater.
• Wisconsin: It is illegal to sell apple pie without cheese.
• Wyoming: Rabbits may not be photographed between January and April without a permit.

I rest my case, M'lud.

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* Much of these come from the wonderful site DumbLaws.com.

Baby Steps

Michigan has just taken what amounts to a giant leap over here, although it would qualify as no more than a baby step by European standards. 

After years of wrangling, in which opponents claimed it constituted an infringement of privacy and could be used for racial harassment, a bill has finally now been passed (although it has not yet been signed into law by the governor) that allows policemen in Michigan to pull motorists over for texting while driving. Up to now, texting has only been a secondary offence warranting police intervention only if the motorist has already committed a more serious crime.

If my sources are correct, Michigan's bold move makes it only the twentieth-first state - out of fifty - to ban texting at the wheel outright. Various others prohibit only novice drivers from doing so. However, Washington is far from imposing nationwide bans. In January, the Transportation Department (i.e. ministry) merely prohibited drivers of trucks and buses over 10,000 pounds from sending text messages while operating commercial vehicles. A presidential order issued by Barack Obama at about the same time simply directs federal employees not to engage in text messaging while driving government-owned vehicles.

A recent survey found that by 90 percent of the population would back a blanket ban. Research by the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration found that drivers who send or receive SMS messages take their eye off the road for 4.6 seconds out of every 6 seconds they are texting. A study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute concluded that texting while driving increased the risk of having a crash by 23 times. Other research has compared the effects to that of driving under the influence of alcohol. Yet day after day I see people doing so. 

The fact that such a ban was not enforced long ago shows that lobbyists and powerful interest groups still have the upper hand when it comes to real political decision-making.

Justice

I'm sorry, but I really must inflict a rant on you.

As you may know, President Obama has decided that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of the September 11 attacks, should be tried in a civilian court in New York rather than facing a military tribunal. What is frankly frightening in my view is the backlash that this has provoked in both the political arena and the media.

The argument being put by many otherwise rationally-mind people is that if any alleged terrorists are tried in a civilian court and subsequently acquitted, they would be released onto the streets of cities like New York, where they would be free to act on the anti-American tendencies they were always suspected of harbouring.

What no-one is mentioning is what exactly the subtext of this argument is: that what they are demanding is a system which guarantees that anyone who is tried is indeed convicted. In other words, that all those sent for trial are found guilty.

This is a gross violation of the principle of justice and the notion that, no matter how much damning evidence there may be against someone, they are presumed innocent until proven guilty. What is being suggested here is that simply because these people have been detained in Guantanamo Bay and elsewhere, they must perforce be guilty.

The 9/11 attacks were cowardly and deplorable. But the desire for revenge or retribution should not tip the scales of justice one way or another. I have little doubt that prosecutors have enough evidence against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to lock him up for all eternity. What I want is a fair trial which shows that America truly believes in justice and the rule of law.

And that means the theoretical possibility that a defendant is found not guilty.

Summoned

It never happened to me in nearly a decade living in France or more than a decade spent in Germany. It didn't even happen to me in my two decades in Britain. And yet just a year after arriving in the United States, I've been summoned for jury duty.

Thrilled at the prospect of saving an innocent man from the gallows (or whatever it is they do to convicted felons round here), I began planning in my head how I would prepare for my forthcoming civic duties. This included:

1. Re-watching 'Twelve Angry Men' and several episodes of 'Judge Judy';
2. Revising the minutiae of American criminal and constitutional law; and
3. Standing in front of the mirror and confidently saying "Not guilty".

Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed when I read the questionnaire that accompanied the summons, and discovered that I failed to qualify for jury duty on several counts.

I'll spare you the details, but I'll just say two things: nationality and previous convictions.

Never Home Alone

It's little wonder that Kevin's cinematic parents were worried: they faced a serious fine or even several years in jail for their forgetfullness. That's because it is illegal in America to leave children up to the age of about 11 alone in the house. In fact, you're not even allowed to leave them unattended in your car while you go into a shop.

As a result, you rarely hear many stories about kids dying of heatstroke in car parks or babies left for hours outside restaurants.

It's high time such legislation was introduced in Europe.