Open Letter

To the Cyclist in the Sauna,

Please note that a sauna is not a warmup, cool-down, stretching and newspaper-reading room. If you wish to use the sauna, ask yourself if you are wearing any (or in your case all) of the following items:

- A one-piece cycling outfit

- Socks

- Underwear

- Clip shoes

Should you upon close inspection discover that this does indeed apply to you, kindly disrobe and take a soapy shower rather than inflicting your disgusting stink on less perverse club-members.

Thank you.

Safety first

As some of you know, my wife and I are avid runners. In this capacity we often take part in races of various lengths. Travelling down to our most recent race, Mrs. Newbie pointed something out that I had completely overlooked: the difference between the precautions taken by race organisers in the United States and in our last port of call prior to expatriation: France.

In the "Hexagon", people who sign up for a race are required to supply a doctor's certificate confirming that they are at least physically fit enough to undertake a race of this kind. Those who run more regularly and are members of a club are automatically members of the French Athletics Federation, the FFA, and therefore just have to provide a photocopy of their "licence" to prove their aptitude for a race.

By contrast, in the US, where individual liberty is valued almost above anything else and where people are suspicious of any form of authority, race organisers do no require you to prove you won't have a heart attack and die while taking part in a sporting event. The general idea is that if you want to run a race, you shouldn't be prevented from doing so by some meddling medic. However, because America is also Tort Central, race organisers want to avoid being sued by litigious souls stupid enough to overexert themselves, but who have ready access to a lawyer keen to extract seven-figure compensation.

As a consequence, would-be participants in any race are made to sign extensive waivers designed to absolve organisers of any responsibility associated with racing. The following is an actual waiver that I signed and typical of the hand-washing that goes on:

"I realize that this course presents a number of potential dangers to me and I hereby  assume the risk arising from all of them. I realize that I will be running on a variety of surfaces, some of them far less than perfect. The roads are open  to motor vehicle traffic that has the right of way. I realize that the danger of injury and even death exists as well and I hereby assume all the risks that may be present on the course. I realize this race is a strenuous athletic event. I certify that I have no physical or medical condition which would interfere with my participation in the race and that I have trained adequately for this race. I realize that I have the sole and ultimate responsibility for my own safety during the race and that if I see a situation/condition which presents risk of injury to me, I will avoid the situation/condition or immediately withdraw from the race. I her e b y  waive for myself, my heirs, executors and all other successors of interest any  and all rights and claims which  I may now have or hereafter accrue against the organizers and sponsors of this event, against all other entities and people who may issue permits for or help with this event, and against all property owners of land which the course may pass. I make this waiver for all the rights and  claims that have been specific  ally referred above, and for all others which might not be specifically named. I agree and intend that the above recitations are contractually binding and if I or my successors assert a claim in contravention of this agreement, I or my successors shall be liable for the expenses (including all legal fees) incurred  by the other party in defending."

Last weekend, a 47-year-old runner had a heart attack and died a mile from the end of the New York City Half Marathon. In 2009, no fewer than three people died while running the Detroit Marathon. Although it is extremely rare for so many participants in a race to die, it only highlights the fact that if medically untrained individuals decide about their ability to run what is after all still an extremely long distance, their judgement is more likely to be biased and wrong than somebody with 6-10 years of medical training.

Election unwords

With the presidential election finally over, Chads throughout the United States are breathing a collective sigh of relief that they were not left hanging or even pregnant this time round. And although Floridians once again took three days longer than everyone else to count their votes, they did not hold the entire country to ransom as they had back in 2000.

We may not have had a Sarah Palin or a George "Dubya" Bush to mangle their words, but this election cycle spawned its own set of neologisms and odd terms, which I would like to take this opportunity to share with you:

• Job-creators: A euphemism coined by the right-wing Republicans to describe the rich in a more positive light;
• Soon-to-haves: No longer is America a country of haves and have-nots. Republican spin-doctors also recast the poor in a bald-faced attempt to win them over to pro-business ideologies;
• Historian: The job-description preferred by would-be Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich to refute claims that the millions he had earned from the pharmaceutical industry were the fruits of lobbying;
• Clean coal: A tautological concept dreamt up by the coal industry to counter the backlash against fossil fuels and moves to search for cleaner sources of energy, the suggestion being that you could burn coal without producing all that environmentally unfriendly soot;
• Caucus (v): I think this means to canvas for a caucus, though it could mean to hold a caucus. Confused? So am I;
• Mainstream media (MSM) or elite media: A favourite expression of Sarah Palin back in 2008, this resurfaced again as a quasi-swearword to describe the non-conservative media - in other words, all media bar Fox News;
• Washington insider: Another "four-letter word" used to dismiss any politician except yourself. Used, bizarrely enough, especially by those who have held political office for decades to put down their opponents. Although this expression was used more widely in '08 and by the TEA ("Taxed Enough Already") Party movement during the 2010 mid-term elections, it featured particularly during the Republican primaries.
• Forcible/legitimate rape: Terms used by senatorial candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, who vehemently oppose abortion, even following incest or rape. Makes you wonder what the opposite is - consensual rape? Their controversial views on the topic resulted in both men being soundly defeated at the polls;
• Romnesia: A neologism coined by Barack Obama (or his speech-writers) to describe a person's ability to forget what he stated one day and espouse views often diametrically opposed to these when seeking the backing of a different group of voters. Think Mitt Romney's "flip-flopping" on abortion, gun control, coal, immigration, healthcare reform, welfare, the auto-industry bailout ...

Misdirected?

Yesterday I got the weirdest e-mail.

As a subscriber to change.org, the online public lobbying site, I received notification about a new petition. In this e-mail, a mother described how loopholes in Food & Drug Administration guidelines allow manufacturers to use poisonous chemicals called phthalates to make lunchboxes, even though they are not permitted in toys. She was apparently so "horrified to learn that lunchboxes emblazoned with Cinderella and Spiderman could actually make her kids sick" that she decided to start an online petition.

Did she call for an FDA amendment to include lunchboxes in the phthalates ban? No. Did she call for an outright ban on the use of phthalates? No.

She wants Disney to "stop allowing its characters to be printed on toxic lunchboxes".

Health Insurance

The US healthcare system is a mess.

Not only is per-capita spending by far the highest of any developed nation. Some 30 million Americans don't even have health insurance, either because their employers don't provide it (they aren't obliged to, so most don't) or because they simply can't afford private insurance.

Luckily - or unluckily, depending on your standpoint - people are guaranteed emergency treatment even if they are uninsured, though insurance companies pass the cost of this is directly on to the insured.

Part of the problem is that there are no fixed fees for medical treatment, so doctors charge as much as they want. For instance, I recently heard of a not uncommon case in which a simple broken leg generated healthcare costs in excess of $100,000.

Another problem is that insurance companies can determine what they will pay for specific treatments, allow you to use only approved doctors, set massive copays (i.e. deductibles) and even refuse to insure people for what are known as "pre-existing conditions" - a catch-all that effectively means they can cherry-pick the healthiest patients and then decide not to reimburse treatment if an insured person does eventually need it. As a result, people are often saddled with astronomical medical bills and must take out huge loans to pay for treatment for themselves or their loved ones.

I never thought this would affect us because we are fortunate to have relatively generous company-sponsored health insurance. But that hasn't stopped me becoming entangled in several bizarre Catch 22-like situations in my few direct dealings with our health insurance company.

To give you an example, our daughter needed braces. But because I wasn't sure how much we might have to pay ourselves, I called the insurance company and asked them.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I can't tell you how much is covered," the lady on the phone said.
"Why ever not?" I said, somewhat taken aback.
"We don't release that information, Sir" she replied.
"But why?" I said, feeling like a belligerent child.
"Because if we did, people would use it all, sir."
"Then how can I know what I can afford?" I asked.
"You can't," the woman said flatly. "You simply submit your orthodontist's invoice, and we determine your copay."
"So are you telling me it's a secret?" I asked, the adrenalin rising.
"If you put it that way, Sir, yes," she answered.
"But I'm the customer! Surely I have a right to know what I am entitled to for the money I am paying," I almost screamed.
"I'm sorry, Sir, there's nothing I can do about that," the woman replied.

And that was that.

Luckily for me, the orthodontist we chose finally managed to find out what we were eligible to - after three phone calls.

Helmet Law Repeal

Hooray for freedom!

On Friday, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder at last repealed the state's motorbike helmet law, which had been flagrantly restricting the liberty of citizens and doing untold (albeit unsubstantiated) damage to the local tourist industry for 46 years.

Despite opposition from insurance companies, healthcare providers and other freedom-hating, big-government organisations, bikers in the "mitten" will once again be able to let their hair flutter in the wind, just as God intended.

Now I can't wait to win back the right to smash my face through my car windscreen and catapult my children to their certain death in an accident once that insane, draconian seatbelt law is repealed.

Fighting Disease Through Poor Nutrition

We had another WTF moment at our children's elementary (i.e. junior) school this week.

My son came home a few days ago to tell us that his class was collecting money for charity. It sounded like a good idea, so I asked him to explain more.

Apparently some people from the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation had come to the school not only to promote their "loose change" fundraiser, but also to inform and educate the kids about type 1 diabetes, a talk which, I must presume, also included the causes thereof, one of which is poor nutrition.

Because the US is a meritocracy par excellence, in which it seems that nothing is done without a payoff, and adults and children alike are routinely enticed into doing good by being offered an incentive, the JDRF spokespeople said they'd organise a special treat for the class that raised the most money for their research into the treatment and prevention of juvenile diabetes.

So what prize did this healthcare charity choose to offer the children?

A pizza party.

Cleanliness

Given the twin obsession of so many Americans with washing and religion, I'm willing to bet that the expression "Cleanliness is next to godliness" was coined in the New World.

I've already written about tips given for avoiding infection and about what I consider "knee-jerk vaccination" that is conducted here for completely harmless - and indeed beneficial - diseases. Other local oddities include mandatory vaccination against Hepatitis B (at-risk groups: drug addicts and prostitutes) for all schoolchildren in the US. Add to this the fact that there are hand sanitisers wherever you look as well as anti-bacterial wipes routinely provided for cleaning supermarket trolleys, and you have the makings of a nation paranoid about illness.

Yesterday I came across something that highlights the lengths to which people go to avoid germs. It all started with a seemingly harmless question on Facebook: "What tips do you have to keep you and your kids healthy during flu season?" The responses (which for reasons too complicated to explain must all come from North Americans), are extremely telling from a European, spoonful-of-dirt-a-year perspective:

• "Wash their hands constantly and before eating with hot soapy water!"
• "Keep little immune systems healthy and stop the spread of germs with Kleenex® Anti-Viral"
• "Flu Shots & GermX!"
• "Making sure my kids and i stick to the '24 hour' rule [i.e. waiting 24 hours after a fever subsides] before going back to school or work. Wish more people did so as to NOT pass their germs!!"
• "I keep Germ-X next to the tissue box, kids sanitize their hands after blowing their noses."
• "Just keep the little germ carrier's home and feed them lots of Jewish Penicilin"
• "Everyone must wash their hands for a minimum of 20 seconds to be effective or singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star all the way through twice"
• "Hand sanitize or wash your hands as soon as you get off the bus, kiddies"
• "Washing hands a lot of course. I've added a chewable calcium with vitamin D to my kids morning routine"
• "Avoid washing your hands in public restrooms and use sanitizer after you leave the restroom instead. Also, don't touch any surface with your hands. I've gotten sick 10 less times a year by doing this"
• "Kids - and adults - have been known to die from the flu. I chose not to get the shot this year, and I have already suffered through one strain of flu this fall. It isn't fun being sick, and if you are in a weakened state of health it can be deadly. Wake up and smell the mortality."

And my two favourites:

• "Avoid people if possible. My Gramma has a shot of whiskey if she's been around sick people"
• "Get ur kids to take a bath as soon as they get home from school, that way they don't spread germs all throughout ur home"
  

Toothpaste

Back in the mists of time, in a happier, simpler age, whenever you bought toothpaste, you had the choice between a handful of brands - Signal, Crest, Colgate - as well as a few speciality products for neo-Victorians (Arm & Hammer), wimps (Sensodyne) and similar deviants.

Oh, what I'd give to be back in that long-forgotten, carefree era!

Today I went out to get some toothpaste recommended by my dentist. He'd helpfully given me a small sampler tube, so I already knew I liked it. I also remembered it was Colgate toothpaste.

However, upon reaching the chemist, I was faced with a bewildering array of brands, the most wide-ranging of which was - you guessed it - Colgate. So amazed was I by the plethora of Colgate toothpaste on offer that I actually noted down the names of the ones available at this particular store.

Here, for posterity's sake, is that list:

• Advanced Whitening
• Advanced Clean Plus Whitening
• Advanced Fresh Plus Whitening
• Advanced Fresh Enamel Strength
• Clean Mint
• Max Bright
• Max White With Breath Strips
• Oxygen Bubbles
• Mouthwash Beads
• Enamel Protect
• Sensitive Whitening
• Mint Strip
• Whitening Paste
• Icy Blast Whitening
• Whitening With Stain Lifters

Apparently my local CVS pharmacy is short-changing its customers because the American Colgate site also mentions Total, Total Whitening, ProClinical, Max Fresh, Luminous, 2in1, Sparkling White, Tartar Control, Cavity Protection and Ultrabrite.

I'm sure they all do the same job. They all taste minty, freshen your mouth and clean/whiten/brighten your dentition. So apart from confusing consumers, what is the point of having twenty or more names - nay, synonyms - for what is essentially one and the same thing?

Baby Steps

Michigan has just taken what amounts to a giant leap over here, although it would qualify as no more than a baby step by European standards. 

After years of wrangling, in which opponents claimed it constituted an infringement of privacy and could be used for racial harassment, a bill has finally now been passed (although it has not yet been signed into law by the governor) that allows policemen in Michigan to pull motorists over for texting while driving. Up to now, texting has only been a secondary offence warranting police intervention only if the motorist has already committed a more serious crime.

If my sources are correct, Michigan's bold move makes it only the twentieth-first state - out of fifty - to ban texting at the wheel outright. Various others prohibit only novice drivers from doing so. However, Washington is far from imposing nationwide bans. In January, the Transportation Department (i.e. ministry) merely prohibited drivers of trucks and buses over 10,000 pounds from sending text messages while operating commercial vehicles. A presidential order issued by Barack Obama at about the same time simply directs federal employees not to engage in text messaging while driving government-owned vehicles.

A recent survey found that by 90 percent of the population would back a blanket ban. Research by the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration found that drivers who send or receive SMS messages take their eye off the road for 4.6 seconds out of every 6 seconds they are texting. A study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute concluded that texting while driving increased the risk of having a crash by 23 times. Other research has compared the effects to that of driving under the influence of alcohol. Yet day after day I see people doing so. 

The fact that such a ban was not enforced long ago shows that lobbyists and powerful interest groups still have the upper hand when it comes to real political decision-making.

Customised Plates

My new, personalised car number plates arrived in the post today, and I am very proud that I can now advertise my family's perceived status as purveyors of BSE: 


In contrast to the UK and many other countries, custom plates are extremely cheap in the States. Here in Michigan, for example, they cost just $30 for the first 12 months, and $15 a year thereafter. What's more, provided it's not perceived as offensive or already taken, you can choose any combination of up to seven letters and/or numbers - including spaces. As such, you can give your imagination free rein (or not, judging by the "BMW Z4" number plate I saw on one BMW Z4).

Given this undoubted bargain, not to mention solid proof of the "land of opportunities" principle, I'm surprised that everyone doesn't have personalised plates on their car.

Supersize Them

My wife recently found another reason why so many Americans drive around in huge cars. Going out to lunch with three of her colleagues, she offered to take everyone in her car rather than everyone going separately.

At this point in the proceedings I should point out that my wife has a midsize sedan (see below), not a small car by any stretch of the imagination.

Theoretically it has room for five people, though the central rear set is about half the size of a normal one, so there are really only two seats in the back - but there's definitely plenty of space in the rear for two.

Background explanation over, back to the story ...

When they reached the car, my wife found that there was no way that any two of her large American colleagues could squeeze themselves into the back of the car. In fact, none of them could even get in the front passenger seat.

Big people, ergo big cars.

When you've spent some time in America, you tend to forget just how many people are overweight - and to what extent, a fact that is reflected in clothing sizes. In Europe, my wife and I would tend to choose medium-sized clothes. Here, we have to look for a size S - and we've even bought sweatshirts intended for children. Our six-year-old wore shorts labelled as being for a two-year-old this summer.

Another example: Today I went to get some new jeans. I needed a pair with a 30-inch waist and a 32-inch leg ("30/32"). Unfortunately for me, they started at 32/32 or 32/30 and went on to 34/30, 36/30, 38/30 and 40/30.

Whatever the reasons for the problem with overweight (and I won't get into them now), it's a trend that appears to be accelerating. According to a study by the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation published in the summer, adult obesity (>30% overweight) rates have increased in nearly half (23) of the US states in the space of 12 months - yet fallen in none. As a result, there is now only one state (Colorado) in which the obesity rate is less than 20%.

Put another way, in 49 of the 50 states, more than one adult in five is obese.

More disturbingly, child obesity levels are also on the rise in the US, and the rate is at or above 30% in 30 states. Mississippians top the youth fatty league, with a frightening 44.4% of 10-17-year-olds obese. At the other end of the scale - though still far, far too high - are Minnesota and Utah, with "just " 23.1% overweight or obese children.

Health Warning

From a school district newsletter:

"We continue to see cases of H1N1 or flu-like illnesses"

Now there's a surprise. One's a pandemic and 'tis the season to get sniffles (falalalala lalalala).

Radical Intervention

For some reason, I've started to snore - and not just your common-or-garden snuffle. Even though my nasal passages are completely clear, I apparently now trumpet implausibly and almost comically loudly, though utterly sleep-deprivingly for my ill-fated bedfellow.

Fortunately (for her, that is), my now bleary-eyed wife was at the doctor yesterday, so she asked what could be done about this sudden-onset nocturnal noise pollution.

She came back with several business cards. One was for a doctor who specialises in facial plastic surgery, another from a neck-and-face surgeon.

Guess she's going to have to invest in earplugs then.

Vaccination

Americans love vaccinations.

Year after year, the norm seems to be for everyone, adults and children alike, to get vaccinated for seasonal 'flu, thereby protecting themselves against one more illness their bodies could easily fight off unaided.

The Swine 'Flu epidemic has therefore got people in a real panic, and medics (undoubtedly aided and abetted by pharmaceutical companies) are encouraging people - including pregnant women, I might add - to get a Swine 'Flu jab as well as their usual seasonal 'flu vaccination.

This is patently ridiculous, not least because the Swine 'Flu vaccine is not effective in protecting the only sectors of the population - young children and the aged - likely to suffer ill effects from contracting the disease.

Don't get me wrong: I'm all in favour of immunisation, especially since it has helped eradicate many serious illnesses that we simply couldn't survive otherwise. But I do feel that knee-jerk vaccination is one of the reasons why Americans have a far higher prevalence of allergies - i.e. over-reaction by their immune systems to harmless substances - than Europeans, for example.

Seen But Not Heard

It's bad enough that pharmaceutical companies can advertise their medicines in the US as if they were just another dietary supplement. But when you start pushing drugs for controlling allegedly "attention-deficit" kids (which parents openly - almost proudly - tell you about), and then add insult to injury by offering a $50 discount on your first purchase, that's just sick.

Paula Deen

Paula Deen is a remarkable woman with a bubbly, instantly likable personality and an adorable twangy accent. Not only did she single-handedly overcome agoraphobia so debilitating that it confined her to her house in her 40s, but she subsequently quit being a housewife and built up an extremely successful catering business and then a restaurant. Today she is something like the southern states Martha Stewart, with a TV cookery show on the Food Channel, lifestyle magazines, books and a huge following.

Nevertheless, it is fair to say that she is not the queen of lean cuisine because the main ingredient in her cooking is butter and most of her undoubtedly delicious recipes involve deep-frying - often both. Take for example her deep-fried butter balls, comprising (you guessed it) butter mixed with cream cheese, formed into balls, frozen and then deep-fried. Other classics include gooey butter cake and the deep-fried Twinkie.

However, her pièce de la résistance is the "heart attack"; a hamburger topped with an egg and fried bacon and sandwiched between two iced doughnuts:

Nuclear Herd

I found out today that my 8-year-old daughter is a mad cow. So is my 5-year-old son.

From trying to donate blood in France, where you can't give blood if you've lived in the UK for a cumulative year, I'd known for a while that I and even Laurence were mad cows, but this latest revelation did come as something of a surprise.

The problem is that here in the United States they are so worried about contracting vCJD, the human form of BSE, that you may not give blood if you have spent just 3 months in the UK or indeed a total of five years in one of the following European countries at any time since 1980:

• Albania
• Austria
• Belgium
• Bosnia-Herzegovina
• Bulgaria
• Croatia
• The Czech Republic
• Denmark
• Finland
• France
• Germany
• Greece
• Hungary
• Ireland
• Italy
• Kosovo
• Liechtenstein
• Luxembourg
• Macedonia
• Montenegro
• The Netherlands
• Norway
• Poland
• Portugal
• Romania
• Serbia
• Slovakia
• Slovenia
• Spain
• Sweden
• Switzerland
• Turkey

(Have I missed any?)

That makes both Anna and Tom officially mad as hatters.

Ironically, the Web site of the American Red Cross - the organisation responsible for collecting blood - states the following:

"There is no evidence that CJD can be transmitted from donors to patients through blood transfusions. However, nobody knows for certain that this cannot happen."

By that token, I could claim that all Americans are stupid because they've had fully eight years under George W Bush. I know that there's no evidence that stupidity can be transmitted from the president to the people through citizenship, but hey, nobody knows for certain that this cannot happen.

Healthy Coke

Hands up all those of you who think Coke (or Pepsi, for that matter) is good for you.

Well, you're all wrong. Apparently, it's extremely healthy.

The can in front of me boasts that Coke is "very low in sodium" and "not a significant source of fat, salt, fat, trans fats, cholesterol or fiber". It even has a helpful table that reads:

Amount per serving (% daily value):
Total fat 0g (0%)
Sodium 50mg (2%)
Protein 0g.

What it doesn't say is that a can of Coke contains either the equivalent of 10-21 cubes of sugar (depending on your source) or a sweetener proven to cause cancer, leucaemia and lymphomas, has an average pH of about 1 AND makes you burp a lot.

I wonder why not.