Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Preppers

Preppers are about as American as apple pie is commonly asserted to be (albeit falsely). Like Tea-Baggers, Mormons, the Amish and the National Rifle Association (NRA), I doubt preppers could have developed - let alone thrived - anywhere but in the self-styled Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.

Fiercely independent, deeply patriotic yet doggedly suspicious of authority in general and government in particular, preppers tend to be politically conservative white Christians from low-income backgrounds. As such, they are like the distillation of the American psyche.

So what are they? Preppers believe that a catastrophic natural disaster or foreign invasion is just around the corner. Or, as they like to put it, "the shit is about to hit the fan" (SHTF). Convinced that the US economy, society and possibly civilisation itself are in imminent danger of destruction and/or collapse, they prepare - hence the name - for their chosen nightmare scenario by
  • Hoarding food
  • Stockpiling weapons and ammunition
  • Training in armed combat
  • Learning survival skills
  • Building emergency shelters
  • Disconnecting from the power grid and
  • Buying gold and silver, typically in the form of coins.
Although there may not be the 4 million or more preppers claimed by some of the myriad "survivalist" Web sites, they certainly are far more than a handful of paranoid gun-nuts. In fact there are so many serious preppers in America that Costco (a nationwide chain of wholesale stores open to the public) stocks a large selection of what it terms "emergency kits", ranging from water storage and filtration systems to a year's supply of food for four people, comprising 30,144 servings of freeze-dried and dehydrated meals (yours for only $3,999.99).

Preppers even have their own reality-TV show (sponsored, tellingly enough, by the Wise Food Storage Company and the United States Gold Bureau). Entitled 'Doomsday Preppers', the documentary series charts how various people are getting ready for what they see is inevitable: an all-out assault on the American way of life, be it man-made or environmental. 


Unfortunately, preppers are not simply wacky loners content to play out their apocalyptic or Chinese-invasion fantasies in their own basements or woods in the same way that people used to gather for weekend 'Dungeons and Dragons' sessions. Often enough, their paranoia spills over into violent confrontations with the law.

Only last week, police arrested a 45-year-old survivalist who had spent 5-6 years breaking into cabins in the Utah mountains to steal food and guns. And almost exactly a year ago, police
in Washington state hunted a 41-year-old man who had allegedly shot dead his wife and daughter. They eventually tracked him down in a sophisticated fortified underground bunker in the forest, where a SWAT team had to blast its way through the roof. When they got inside, they found the man dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, as well as 13 guns and shelves neatly piled with ammunition, food and other supplies.



Friday, April 13, 2012

Daft & Dafter

The long drawn-out battle to become the Republican Party's nominee in this November's presidential election (which the satirical Daily Show justifiably calls "Indecision 2012") has the would-be candidates falling over themselves to appear more conservative than their rivals. And the race has certainly provided plenty of grist for the comedy mill.

By now, most of the whackier wannabe presidential nominees have dropped out: After leading the media on a seemingly endless self-aggrandising campaign, including a reality show and an extended tour across the States in a coach emblazoned with the text of the American constitution, will-she-won't-she former Alaskan governor and failed 2008 vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin decided not to the throw her hat in the ring after all.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain, who didn't know China had had nuclear weapons for half a century and justified his lack of foreign-policy knowledge by referring to "Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" (sic!), was finally tripped up by his serial philandering. The spookily wide-eyed Michelle Bachman, the darling of the right, whose bizarre statements included demanding the closure of America's non-existent embassy in Teheran, also dropped out early. While Texas Governor Rick Perry, who proudly announced that his state had executed hundreds more prisoners than any other, couldn't remember the three government agencies he wanted to shut down, when asked about them during a debate. Perry's meltdown, broadcast live on national TV, was the kiss of death for his presidential aspirations.


Although he's trailing far, far behind the now presumptive candidate, Mitt Romney, the one crazy still in the running is perpetual also-ran Newt Gingrich, who has vowed to have a manned American colony on the moon by the end of his first term in the White House.

In their desperate attempt to woo supporters of the so-called "Tea Party", a radical though in part artificially engineered movement that has dragged American politics to the right for the last three years or so, Republicans have been making more and more controversial claims that would leave most Europeans incredulous.

You needn't even bother entering politics in the US unless you can prove you are avowedly religious. Now global warming is being disparaged as unproven. Evolution is increasingly dismissed as "just a theory". Environmental protection is decried as government interference that kills jobs in the US. Gun legislation, taxation, motorcycle helmet laws and even the right to healthcare are being routinely opposed, scaled back or abolished completely in the name of "personal liberty".

But the most bizarre trend of all, at least in my view, is the renewed effort to undo "Roe vs Wade", the 1973 Supreme Court decision legalising abortion. In an effort to undermine this landmark ruling, pro-life conservatives are going to ever greater lengths to claim that this should be considered murder. And even Rick Santorum, the candidate who withdrew from the GOP race only this week, asserted that women should give birth to the children of their rapists, saying that they should "make the best of a bad situation" and "accept God's gift".

Proponents of the "personhood" debate, which revolves about the point from which a person rather than a blob of cells is being terminated, have long advocated that life - and therefore personhood - begins at the point where an egg and a sperm merge. Not to be outdone, the Arizona legislature has now passed a bill defining pregnancy as starting .... wait for it ... two weeks before conception!

Meanwhile, a last-minute amendment to a "personhood" bill tabled in
Oklahoma this week (which admittedly ended up getting the entire law thrown out) would have made it illegal to deposit sperm anywhere other than in a woman's vagina.

Forget the potential for convictions for such heinous crimes as masturbation, oral and anal sex. Had it passed, this law would have forbidden all forms of artificial insemination, thus inadvertently undermining the very thing it was supposed to support: the production of American babies.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Religious (In)tolerance

The US is currently in the throes of a horrible phenomenon: religious intolerance.

I can take constant references to the church, prayer and God in spite of the fact that this country is constitutionally supposed to have a separation of church and state. But what is happening right now is nothing short of frightening.

It all started a few weeks back with a row over what was dubbed by its opponents the "Ground Zero Mosque" but which is actually mere plans - possibly years from fruition - to set up an Islamic community centre fully two blocks from the former site of the Twin Towers. Christian groups, Fox News and others have protested vehemently and vociferously, claiming the center is everything from insensitive to a glorification of the killings of 9/11. Fox even raved about the "radical Islamic" Saudi who had "bankrolled" the project - until it emerged that he is the second-largest shareholder in Fox's parent company (News Corp) and Rupert Murdoch's business partner.

Whipped up by this religious fervour, there have been protests against the setting up of other mosques thousands of miles from "Ground Zero", and at least one mosque has been burnt down by arsonists.

Now a church in Florida has decided to up the ante even further by holding a Koran-burning ceremony this Saturday (11 September) to commemorate the 2001 attacks, ignoring pleas from President Obama, Muslim countries, Nato, the top US commander in Afghanistan (who fears reprisal attacks "everywhere in the world"), US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton and the US attorney general.

The name of this hate-formenting, insular church? The Dove World Outreach Center.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I Pastafari


Yesterday I realized that, ever since I became ordained as a priest last year, I have been subconsciously searching for a religious affiliation. This search is now finally over.

It is therefore with a certain amount of pride that I can now announce: "I am a Pastafarian!"

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to give the organisation its official title, was spawned to parody the idiocy of the so-called "theory" of Intelligent Design, a belief espoused by some Christians that the universe is too complex and wonderful to be the product of mere chance or natural selection.

In 2005, when the Kansas School Board was considering whether biology teachers should teach Intelligent Design alongside Darwinism as an equally plausible theory of evolution, Bobby Henderson sent the board a letter in which he demanded tongue-in-cheek that pupils should likewise be taught about his theory of evolution, namely that the world was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
The letter also claimed that pirates were the original Pastafarians, but that they - like witches - were stereotyped as evil by Christian theologians. An amusing graph provided "evidence" that global warming is directly attributable to the decline in the number of pirates.

So what does it have to do with me, you ask?

Well, as some of you know, spaghetti has always been my favourite food. What's more, I have on occasion (inexplicably) chosen to dress up as a pirate to go to parties. My son even wore a pirate costume to a Halloween celebration at his school this year. But all that might have been dismissed as pure coincidence had I not made the following discovery when I unwrapped my Subway sandwich:


As you can see, it is unmistakably an image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster drawn in grease and sweet onion relish.

There is therefore no doubt that I too have been "touched by His noodly appendage" (the title of the painting at the top).

I have found my calling.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Mixed Religions

Overheard conversation in the sports' centre changing room:

Man 1: When's your son's Bar Mitzvah?
Man 2: He just had it. Cost me a fortune. And I've got my daughter's in four years' time.
Man 1: I know. My older son had his Bar Mitzvah in the summer. The other will have his next year.
Man 2: Gotta go. Happy Christmas!
Man 1: Happy Christmas ... er... Happy Hanukkah.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Call Me "Reverend"


Ian Paisley allegedly has*. So have all four of the Beatles, Virgin boss Richard Branson, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, writer Hunter S. Thompson, John Wayne Bobitt (he of the "missing" penis), Alanis Morisette, Paul Newman, Robbie Williams and Sharon Stone.

Two days ago, when I couldn't go running because it was raining, I joined this illustrious group of people by becoming an "insta-priest".

The idea had come to me the evening before. Would it be possible in the self-proclaimed Land of Opportunity - or, as the Germans put it, the Land of Unlimited Possibilities - for a non-religious non-believer to be ordained a priest? I never dreamt it would be so easy. A mere ten-second search on the Internet provided the answer: not only could I become legitimately ordained without any training or profession/proof of belief, but I could do so instantly, online and free of charge.

Barely five minutes later, I was a reverend of the Universal Life Church authorised to perform marriages and baptisms and enjoying "all the privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy" (apparently the ULC has won several court cases upholding these rights). 

But the fun doesn't end there. Had I been less humble - and willing to toss $11.99 into the ULC collection box - I could have officially bestowed myself a grander religious title from a long list including (but not limited to):
  • Abbot
  • Angel
  • Archbishop
  • Ascetic Gnostic
  • Bishop
  • Child of the Universe
  • Colonel
  • Dervish
  • Druid
  • Flying Missionary
  • High Priest
  • Martyr
  • Messenger
  • Monk
  • Patriarch
  • Pope
  • Prince
  • Prophet
  • Rabbi
  • Saint
  • Saintly Healer
  • Seer
  • Shaman
  • Spiritual Warrior
  • Swami
  • Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality
  • Wizard, and my personal favourite
  • Reverend of Rock 'n' Roll.

For just $7.95 plus postage, I could even have ordered a gold-embossed certificate - again from the ULC - confirming that I was a Jedi knight, though I'll probably stick to my iPhone light-sabre app for the time being.

This being the 21st century, the Universal Life Church also offers its followers an opportunity to confess online. You simply write your sin in the appropriate box (or "if you don't want to write about your sins, you may enter an 'X' to signify that you have thought about your sins and wish to turn from them"), click the checkbox labelled "Have you forgiven yourself for your sins? (yes/no)" or "Have you forgiven others who have harmed you? (yes/no)", and then press the button marked "Submit Confession". Hey presto, instant absolution.

I wonder what I'll go for next. Although I could have bought myself various doctorates (including the wonderful "Doctor of Immortality") from the ULC, I think I'm going to try to get a free PhD from an American university. And when I get that, I'm going for the ultimate prize: an M.D.

____________

* Although it is the subject of debate whether or not the Reverend Dr. Ian Paisley bought his priesthood, it is certain that his doctorate was acquired from the outlawed American Pioneer Theological Seminary and later quasi-legitimised by an honorary Doctor of Divinity bestowed upon him by an unacredited fundamentalist Christian college.