Call Me "Reverend"

Ian Paisley allegedly has*. So have all four of the Beatles, Virgin boss Richard Branson, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, writer Hunter S. Thompson, John Wayne Bobitt (he of the "missing" penis), Alanis Morisette, Paul Newman, Robbie Williams and Sharon Stone.

Two days ago, when I couldn't go running because it was raining, I joined this illustrious group of people by becoming an "insta-priest".

The idea had come to me the evening before. Would it be possible in the self-proclaimed Land of Opportunity - or, as the Germans put it, the Land of Unlimited Possibilities - for a non-religious non-believer to be ordained a priest? I never dreamt it would be so easy. A mere ten-second search on the Internet provided the answer: not only could I become legitimately ordained without any training or profession/proof of belief, but I could do so instantly, online and free of charge.

Barely five minutes later, I was a reverend of the Universal Life Church authorised to perform marriages and baptisms and enjoying "all the privileges and courtesies normally offered to members of the clergy" (apparently the ULC has won several court cases upholding these rights). 

But the fun doesn't end there. Had I been less humble - and willing to toss $11.99 into the ULC collection box - I could have officially bestowed myself a grander religious title from a long list including (but not limited to):

• Abbot
• Angel
• Archbishop
• Ascetic Gnostic
• Bishop
• Child of the Universe
• Colonel
• Dervish
• Druid
• Flying Missionary
• High Priest
• Martyr
• Messenger
• Monk
• Patriarch
• Pope
• Prince
• Prophet
• Rabbi
• Saint
• Saintly Healer
• Seer
• Shaman
• Spiritual Warrior
• Swami
• Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality
• Wizard, and my personal favourite
• Reverend of Rock 'n' Roll.

For just $7.95 plus postage, I could even have ordered a gold-embossed certificate - again from the ULC - confirming that I was a Jedi knight, though I'll probably stick to my iPhone light-sabre app for the time being.

This being the 21st century, the Universal Life Church also offers its followers an opportunity to confess online. You simply write your sin in the appropriate box (or "if you don't want to write about your sins, you may enter an 'X' to signify that you have thought about your sins and wish to turn from them"), click the checkbox labelled "Have you forgiven yourself for your sins? (yes/no)" or "Have you forgiven others who have harmed you? (yes/no)", and then press the button marked "Submit Confession". Hey presto, instant absolution.

I wonder what I'll go for next. Although I could have bought myself various doctorates (including the wonderful "Doctor of Immortality") from the ULC, I think I'm going to try to get a free PhD from an American university. And when I get that, I'm going for the ultimate prize: an M.D.

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* Although it is the subject of debate whether or not the Reverend Dr. Ian Paisley bought his priesthood, it is certain that his doctorate was acquired from the outlawed American Pioneer Theological Seminary and later quasi-legitimised by an honorary Doctor of Divinity bestowed upon him by an unacredited fundamentalist Christian college.