Cannibalism

I have conclusive proof that Americans are cannibals.

You and I might eat the odd cow, pig, chicken or even horse, but the Americans clearly go much, much further. They eat foreign nationals. And not just any common-or-garden foreigner (unless I'm greatly mistaken). Americans seem to have a predeliction for the Swiss.

I'm surprised I didn't realise earlier. There are plenty of foreigners in this neck of the woods. I've come across lots of French people, of course, Germans, Poles, Russians and oodles of Chaldeans (I had to look that one up too), but not a single person from Switzerland.

I now know why: the Americans have eaten them.

But that's not all. Consuming the entire Swiss emigré and expat population clearly gave the locals an appetite for that unique combination of Alpine air, edelweiss, Toblerone and Heidi that is only to be found in genuine Swiss flesh. So when there were no more - the Swiss obviously got wind of the the wholesale slaughter of their compatriots and stopped coming - the Americans were forced to mimick that certain je ne sais quoi they so relished by creating additives with which they could spice more commonplace foods and thus pretend they were eating the real thing once more.

Now I've eaten a few odd things in my life. I love oysters and "surimi", and often crave so-called prawn-cocktail crisps, but never before have I come across anything as repulsive as this: Swiss-flavour cheese.