Motor Mania

I thought I had plumbed the metaphorical depths of America's motor mania. It is becoming increasingly clear that I have merely scratched the proverbial surface.

While out running today, I saw yet another incarnation of the national obsession with non-human locomotion: a motorised seed and fertiliser spreader. Thanks to this contraption, the athletically disinclined no longer need to walk behind their manual (or should that be pedal?) "broadcast" spreaders, but can lounge comfortably in a bucket-seat atop their petrol-powered (bien sûr!) buggy and drive around their suburban lawns instead.

Jeez, I'm sure there are people over here who would have their legs removed at the hip and replaced by a bionic Segway if only some bright spark found a way to get rid of all that energy-sapping leaning.

Seen But Not Heard

It's bad enough that pharmaceutical companies can advertise their medicines in the US as if they were just another dietary supplement. But when you start pushing drugs for controlling allegedly "attention-deficit" kids (which parents openly - almost proudly - tell you about), and then add insult to injury by offering a $50 discount on your first purchase, that's just sick.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

You may recall that my children's language skills were tested last autumn and that my perfectly bilingual son was deemed in need of English as a Second Language input at his American school. 

As you know, Tom and his sister Anna were retested in April. Well, I've now received the results, and you'll be glad to know Tom is now considered to be not merely on a par with his peers but above-average in listening, reading, writing, speaking and comprehension, putting him in the top linguistic category: advanced proficiency.

This means that the ESL teacher who first assessed and then "serviced" him (her choice of words, not mine) can praise herself on a job splendidly done.

Eat your heart out, Henry Higgins. Ditto Joseph Heller, for that matter.

WTF?

I must say I did titter somewhat this morning when I heard on the radio that the Wisconsin Tourism Federation had decided to change its name on account of the ridicule it had been attracting from bloggers in particular for the unfortunate acronym it has unwittingly given great prominence on its logo to date.

The organisation will henceforth be known as the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin.

Too Much of a Good Thing

When I came over to the US and went to sign up for a mobile phone subscription, I was asked how many minutes talk-time I wanted. In France I had had a two-hour plan and that had more-or-less sufficed, I told the sales assistant. Imagine my surprise therefore when she informed me that the minimum subscription was for 450 minutes*. "But don't worry," she reassured me. "Unused minutes aren't lost: they get rolled over into the next month." So that's the subscription I took**.

For the past year, therefore, I have been using my "cellphone" to make nearly all my calls in an effort to utilize the glut of talk-time minutes available to me.

Yesterday I got my latest bill. I have 3039 rollover minutes.

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* I should point out that in America you are charged for both the calls you make and the calls you receive on your mobile phone.

** By way of an interesting aside, my subscription is actually for 450 daytime minutes. It also includes 5000 minutes evening and weekend talk-time. As such, if my calculations are right, to use up my night-time allowance I would have to make phone calls on my mobile for two-and-three-quarter hours each night and every Saturday and Sunday.

Summoned

It never happened to me in nearly a decade living in France or more than a decade spent in Germany. It didn't even happen to me in my two decades in Britain. And yet just a year after arriving in the United States, I've been summoned for jury duty.

Thrilled at the prospect of saving an innocent man from the gallows (or whatever it is they do to convicted felons round here), I began planning in my head how I would prepare for my forthcoming civic duties. This included:

1. Re-watching 'Twelve Angry Men' and several episodes of 'Judge Judy';
2. Revising the minutiae of American criminal and constitutional law; and
3. Standing in front of the mirror and confidently saying "Not guilty".

Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed when I read the questionnaire that accompanied the summons, and discovered that I failed to qualify for jury duty on several counts.

I'll spare you the details, but I'll just say two things: nationality and previous convictions.

Full Disclosure

It's a well-known fact that Americans donate millions to election campaigns. Thanks to FundRace, you can find out not only whether your friends and acquaintances made campaign donations, but also how much and to whom.

The system is brilliant: you can either search for donors by name or you can zoom in on the map of the US and search for donors by neighbourhood - even those in your street.

Frighteningly, FundRace lists not only the name of the donor, but their full address and occupation. But this also makes for interesting research.

For instance, George Bush sr. gave money to the McCain campaign, but "Dubya" did not. Bill - that is, William Jefferson - and Hillary Clinton both donated $2300 to Barack Obama's election campaign, yet neither spent (wasted?) money on Hillary's campaign.

What I really don't understand is that Barack Obama donated $6900 to the campaign of rival Hillary Clinton, while Michelle Obama donated $2300 to the Clinton campaign but a mere $399 to her husband's.

Former Alaskan governor and would-be vice-president Sarah Palin made no campaign donations whatsoever.